As A Girl
by Lt.Ice-Blaze
Summary: A soldier after the war turns to confront a past that has haunted her for years. A past in the form of a man she used to know. A man she never wanted to see again. Will she survive the next encounter? Or will these be her last days.
1. Pasts

A/N: Okay, I don't own any of the characters. Reviews are always welcome; I think this is probably one of my better fics that I've written so enjoy.  
  
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Running over the lush green grasses of the dawning spring with nowhere to go and nowhere to be, a raven haired girl about five years old. In the winter she stood upon the edge of the cliff watching the snow fall from above. In the fall she rolled down the hills into the leaves below and during summer she gazed at the sparse clouds above her. But, spring was her favorite season. This was the only season that her uncle came to visit, but that didn't matter to her right now. For now at least, she was free. Free of the bindings of her room, the tortures of her life and being able to look towards a better future without fear.  
  
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you  
  
I'll tell you that  
  
But if I didn't say it  
  
Well, I'd still have felt it  
  
Where's the sense in that?  
  
Noin smiled at the memory of her childhood. She was gazing out the office window listening to White Flag by Dido. She never enjoyed reminiscing about her childhood but that was one memory that she enjoyed replaying again and again. The sky was grey and the rain plummeted to the earth, pelting the window but she never noticed. To caught up in her thoughts to pay any attention to her surroundings. Zechs and Heero had entered the office that she shared with Zechs, arguing about something. By the time she had realized that they were talking to her they had been trying to get her attention for the past twenty minutes. She stole a glance at them and returned to staring out at the rain.  
  
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder  
  
Or return to where we were  
  
Summer and the clouds were sparse, just as they have been for the past five years of her young life. The end of summer was approaching and her mother would want her home soon but she didn't care. Her uncle had stayed longer than just the spring like he usually does. This time he stayed through the summer and by the sound of it, he wouldn't be leaving for a while. The sun shone above her as she started slowly back to the place she was supposed to call home. Taking one last lasting look at the summer around her, imprinting it in her heart forever, turning from her sanctuary she left. Hoping that this was not the last time she would see the gorgeous plains of summer.  
  
Well I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love and always will be  
  
The rain continued to beat against the window as she returned from her reverie. That was the last time she ever saw those plains from her childhood. That winter was the season that changed her life for eternity. No one knew of her past and if as long as it is up to her, no one ever will. Realizing that she had been ignoring Zechs and Heero for too long she turned to greet them and pushed her memories into the back of her mind to save them for another day or perhaps, but hopefully not, a painful retelling.  
  
I know I left too much mess  
  
And destruction to come back again  
  
And I caused but nothing but trouble  
  
I understand if you can't talk to me again  
  
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"  
  
Then I'm sure that that makes sense  
  
It was fall and the bruises on her arms weren't getting fewer and her punishments weren't getting any less painful. She ran up to the top of the edge and looked down at the gorge and turned to face the leaf filled field. The soft crunching beneath her runners was comforting to her ears. She rolled down the hill on her side laughing until the reached the bottom and heard someone else's footstep across the plain approaching her. The lone figure was tall and lanky but still as formidable as ever. She trembled in fear as she got to her feet. Brushing the hair out of her face the figure took her hand and started to walk back to her house.  
  
Well I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love and always will be  
  
It was all but pleasant to remember anything other than those select memories. Glancing at the untouched paperwork in front of her she picked up a pen and began to write, not even noticing the odd looks that the boys were giving her while they talked to a new intruder in the room. Her mind just couldn't stay focused on her work while she had been off in her own world for so long. It was too much; paperwork and meetings were becoming too much to handle. She stood abruptly and tore out of the room. Running down the hall she received several strange looks from co-workers and clients. Bolting out the front door she headed for the plains that she had visited so many years before completely unaware that there was someone following her.  
  
And when we meet  
  
As I'm sure we will  
  
All that was then  
  
Will be there still  
  
I'll let it pass  
  
And hold my tongue  
  
And you will think  
  
That I've moved on  
  
Winter and the snow was falling across the once green grasses of spring and summer. The rolling hills covered in a sheet as white as ghost. Unscathed from the world, it was peaceful in her mind. She never noticed the footprints behind her weren't hers. She dropped to her knees and turned her head towards the falling snowflakes, closing her eyes and taking in all her beautiful surroundings. A showdown loomed over her smiling face. A wicked grin crossed the face of the shadow. She climbed to her feet and turned around, not expecting anyone to be there. A hand came down and struck her hard in the face. She pleaded but he was relentless, her uncle, forever the terror in her life.  
  
Well I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love and always will be  
  
She ran and kept running. Tears streamed down her face like waterfalls on a mountainside. She stumbled into the field and fell to her knees holding her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook violently with every sob she let out. Lightly, a hand appeared on her shoulder. She stepped forward and turned as she bolted upright. Realizing who it was she ran to him. His arms enveloped her shuddering form and for the first time in years she felt safe. She continued to cry as he held her stroking her hair.  
  
Well I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love and always will be  
  
The young raven haired girl fell to the ground and started to sob silently. He stood over her and kicked her until she cried out in agony. Laughing, he left her there. A girl in the winter snow with crystalline tears streaming down her face forever scarred.  
  
I will go down with this ship  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
  
There will be no white flag above my door  
  
I'm in love and always will be  
  
Her sobs slowly relented and the rain began to let up. She clung to him, not wanting him to let her go. He rested his head atop hers and closed his eyes. Neither noticed a shadow in the distance watching them. As silently as he had come he was gone only to appear some other more inappropriate time in her life.  
  
She gazed up at Zechs with thanks evident in her dark eyes before returning her head to his shirt.  
  
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A/N: Well, I had a lot of fun writing this even if it was a sad story. I'm not sure if I should do another one or not so let me know what you think. 


	2. Need and Depression

A/N: A special thanks goes out to Karina for reviewing on this. I really appreciate it. Something that I didn't mention in the last chapter, White Flag is property of Dido and in this chapter My Immortal – Evanesence  
  
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She walked over to the cliff that she once shared with her thoughts as a child. She glanced back over her shoulder to see Zechs following not far behind her. Concern was etched into his angelic features while pain and depression were mirrored in her eyes. He stopped behind her and ran his hands up and down her arms as she leaned back into his comforting embrace. Tilting her head to the sky she watched the grey clouds roll away being replaced by the brightly shinning sun of spring. She stayed like that for a while, not wanting to move, to remember, to sense, to do anything.  
  
I'm so tired of being here  
  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
  
And if you have to leave  
  
I wish that you would just leave  
  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
  
And it won't leave me alone  
  
The girl raced through the school grounds to greet her friend Hilde, but when she reached their meeting place Hilde was nowhere to be seen. The girl searched high and low for her friend to no avail.  
  
"Karin? Who are you looking for?" asked the kindergarten teacher.  
  
"Hilde, but I can't find her." The girl answered saddened.  
  
"Sweetie, Hilde moved on Sunday."  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
That had been her favorite teacher growing up. In fact, that was the only time Noin could remember the teacher with flowing auburn hair and bright blue eyes. They always seemed to dance, even in the saddest of times; those eyes always assured her that there was something to look forward to. That was the one memory she had of the teacher and no matter how hard she tried, no matter how sad the moment, she couldn't get rid of it. The day she found out her best friend had moved away. That was the same day that she had decided that things needed to change in her life.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have  
  
All of me  
  
The words shook her to the core. People never used her full name unless it was important, she was in trouble, or something had happened that would upset her; they usually just called her 'Rin'. Hearing her teacher she ran, further and further away from the school. Away from her teacher, away from everything that she knew. She ran to her so called home and threw some clothes into her backpack. Walking down the hallway from her room she took a quick glance around for her mother or uncle, neither were in the house that she could see of. Tiptoeing into her mother's room she grabbed the discarded wallet off the dresser and shoved into her stuffed bag and left the house.  
  
You used to captivate me  
  
By your resonating life  
  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
  
Your face it haunts  
  
My once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice it chased away  
  
All the sanity in me  
  
"Do you want to stay a bit longer or go home?" the blonde asked, still behind her.  
  
"Home." Noin answered. If he hadn't been listening for her answer he never would have heard it, she spoke so softly. They started to walk back to the office in silence. The rain had stopped, that much was true, but it was still pouring buckets inside her heart. She wanted to cry but for some reason the tears just wouldn't come. They remained un-fallen in her heart. Her mind was pulling up these memories and she didn't want them today. To tell the truth, she didn't want to remember anything at all, ever. She stayed silent as he walked along side her.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
She ran down the street, never looking back at what she was leaving behind. She ran to the nearest train station and with her last stretch of courage she boarded, promising that this was the end. She stared out the window not really seeing anything that was flashing by but a dark void getting smaller and smaller as the train carried her further away from it. A woman; with her son entered the compartment but she paid them no head. The train stopped somewhere in Italy and the three of them got off. However, the girl didn't stay with the woman, instead she started off on her own in the market place where she met a nice family that had agreed to take her in as their own.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have  
  
All of me  
  
By the time the pair had reached the Preventer office building Noin lack of even a word had begun to disturb Zechs and she knew it. If she didn't speak at all he would insist on coming over to check on her in the morning or else she would end up staying at the mansion with him, Relena and Heero. She sighed at the thought. She didn't want someone to be babying her but she knew she was going to need someone to rely on tonight. Someone who wouldn't mind just being there for her.  
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
But though you're still with me  
  
I've been alone all along  
  
She had become known as Lucrezia Trinity Noin but most called her Lucy. It wasn't a luxurious and expensive life like most dreamed of but a simple one. Just a normal life without having to look over her shoulder to see if anyone that would want to hurt her was coming. This was her dream. A life that didn't involve running and hiding every five minutes. The Noin's were accepting her as if she were their daughter. She never asked for anything and always got a few coins as an allowance for her work around the house and at the market. She felt that this was the perfect life.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have  
  
All of me  
  
"LTN," Noin said the letters as if they were of some bizarre importance. Laughing silently to herself while Zechs gave her a quizzical look. "My initials, LTN, Lucrezia Trinity Noin. It's funny; those same initials also stood for Lieutenant Noin." She explained to him. He smiled back at her softly as they approached his car and climbed in.  
  
"You're right, it is kind of funny." He agreed. They drove in silence with the stereo playing until they reached the tall building of White Oaks apartments. A shadow loomed in the doorway, and as quietly as he had come, he was gone. The two walked up to Noin's apartment and entered to the living room.  
  
"Are you going to be okay or do you want me stay a while?" Zechs asked her sitting down on the large sofa facing the sliding glass doors to her balcony.  
  
"Stay, please." She answered curling up next to him. The last thing she was conscious of was his arm draping over her as she fell asleep.  
  
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A/N: So how did you all like it? I might write some more but I need a few ideas first, if you have any don't hesitate to let me know. 


	3. And So It Begins

A/N: Well let me know what you think, reviews are always welcome you know. Anyways, I know it's been taking a while for me to update but I can't help it inspiration come when it wants to. * * * **Noin**  
  
She woke the next morning with the sun from the balcony simmering across her face. Her eyes slid out of focus for a moment as she remembered the night before. Still resting comfortably on the couch with Zechs beside her she sighed. It wasn't a sigh of defeat like usual but one full of thanks and content towards her best friend. He was there for her even when she hadn't asked him to be. Just like through the war she was by his side. She turned her head slightly to look out the window and into the morning dawn. The night before relaying over and over in her head, something just didn't seem right about it, like she had forgotten something important, or something that would become important. She just couldn't figure it out.  
  
**Mysterious Man**  
  
He watched her from across the street desperately trying not to wrench the .40 caliber pistol out of its holster and shoot her where she lay. It wouldn't be wise with 'him' there. If there was ever a time when he couldn't make a scene play out in his mind and see the exact outcome this was it. She had built a new life for herself and in doing so created many dangerous friends. In his mind at least, he could tell how unpredictable certain members of the Preventors Elite Team could be, a particular Heero Yuy paired with Zechs Marquise is an automatic recipe for death. So he sat in the shadows and waited for his chance to strike.  
  
**Zechs**  
  
He looked down at her from his slightly upright position on the couch and smiled slightly as he kissed the top of her head. Her eyes flickered up to his before she resumed her watch out the balcony. He was almost positive that something was bothering her, and he had a feeling she wasn't going to tell him unless it was absolutely necessary. Une would be expecting them back at the office in a few minutes but there was no way that they would be able to make it to headquarters in time for her supposedly 'important' meeting. He watched her stare out the balcony for a while longer, content with just being with her like this. Even if it was just for a night and it wasn't necessarily a happy night but it was still with her.  
  
**Noin**  
  
She felt safe in his arms even at the worst of times and that's what she needed. To feel safe, and loved. He never said what he felt but she knew it all the same. Glancing over at the clock she realized what time it was, and she didn't want to move. Une was going to be missing at least one Preventor today, and that would be her. She felt Zechs shift beside her and moved so he could get up.  
  
**Zechs**  
  
He was about to rise to start breakfast but changed his mind and pulled her back to him when she started to move. She turned her shocked face up to him. He smiled reassuringly down at her and rubbed her shoulder. Her soft smile held so much sadness and distrust, pain and suffering that it was almost impossible to notice find the faint hint of a happy moment in it. He felt her shiver involuntarily and brought her closer to him to reassure her that she wasn't alone.  
  
**Noin**  
  
She felt eyes on her through the glass doors to the balcony and shivered. He had pulled her closer and silently she thanked him. They stayed like that for a while, neither moving, saying nothing, doing nothing. Just lying on the couch in each others arms.  
"I'll make breakfast, what would you like?" She asked him beginning to get up only to be pulled back down again.  
"I'll get it." He answered and started towards the kitchen before she could reply to him. Smiling ever so slightly she lay back down and turned on the television. It was all she could think of to take her mind off of that watchful feeling she had gotten earlier.  
  
**Zechs**  
  
He had entered the kitchen and began making French toast for the two of them while thinking. No, not thinking, pondering his thoughts. What could be ailing Noin so much that she would barely speak at all to anybody, least of all him? It just didn't make any sense. What could have happened to make her become so distant all of a sudden? Questions whipped across his mind as he tried to answer a few of them, not succeeding at all. He flipped the bread in the pan and went over to the door frame that separated the kitchen from the living room and stared at her. She was too caught up in what she was doing to even know he was there.  
  
**Mysterious Man**  
  
He glared at the couple across the street and whipped around to leave his watchful position. He stalked off down the hallway to leave the building and slammed the door. The street was warm and bright and he hated it. Laughing couples passed him on the sidewalk while children played on the grasses in the park. This was the kind of day that most people wanted in the spring but he would have preferred it more if it were dark and muggy. That was the kind day that he enjoyed. Everyone around him was happy and he was miserable, that being the case, his foul mood made a turn for the worst.  
  
**Noin**  
  
It smelled delicious and tasted even better. Never in her wildest dreams could she have imagined that he was such a good cook. But then again her dreams weren't necessarily about food. There was just too much for her to take in. The news caster had just informed her that her so called 'uncle' was still at large. Isn't that a pleasant thought when you've been running from him for the past who knows how long. Just yesterday she was informed that he had escaped from the prison that had held him for the past five years. He had been missing for a week before the broadcast and no one thought that it was an immediate priority until someone was killed the day before. The police had said it was a raven haired woman around the age of twenty-one. That was all they had said. That and that she had put up a fight, but who wouldn't when someone was trying to kill you. She pushed the thought from her mind and returned her attention to her food that was now almost completely gone, but she didn't remember eating it. That was the problem; she hadn't moved her fork since her first bite.  
  
**Duo**  
  
He absolutely, positively, utterly, extremely, no question about it, loved French toast in the mornings. After the first bite he just couldn't help himself. What really shocked him though, was that neither Noin nor Zechs had noticed him yet. It was as if they were off in their own little worlds, completely oblivious to everything around them. He let his wide violet eyes shift back and forth between the pair at the table. He had been expecting to be yelled at the moment he entered the apartment but instead it was silent and now they said absolutely nothing about him eating their breakfast. His braid shifted behind him as he got up to turn on the news.  
"Duo? When did you get here?" Noin asked finally noticing his presence. He lay back on the couch and tilted his head to look at her.  
"Let's just say I got here before you two woke up from your little daydreams, okay?" He answered and turned back to the news.  
  
**Heero**  
  
He knew something was up when they had entered the office yesterday. Relena would definitely find out about his argument with Zechs but hopefully she wouldn't find out why they were arguing. He kept replaying the scene over in his head. They walked through the doors bantering back and forth and he had turned to Noin to get her to shut Zech up. She had either ignored him or was completely oblivious to their presence. Then Une had entered the room and Noin bolted. It just didn't make sense. Sure she had been upset before when they entered but she had never let her emotions stop her from completing the paperwork assigned to her. Hell, she never let anyone leave until she was sure they were done their paperwork for the day.She was practically the den mother of the Preventor building. Shaking his head and shrugging it off for a while he returned to his own work. If he could get this done by noon then he could have a very relaxing weekend. He glanced at the huge mounds of paperwork in-front of him and groaned. There was no way he was going to get all of this done by noon. Lifting a pen into his hand he started on the hours of paper before him.  
  
**Relena**  
  
She had looked everywhere for him and yet she still couldn't find him anywhere. Heero had told her he would try to be off at noon like he usually was on Friday's but he wasn't home yet and it was already two o'clock. The phone rang.  
"Hello?" she answered while her mind focused on all the worst case scenarios she could think up about Heero.  
"Hey, it looks like I'm going to be stuck in the office today." the monotone voice that she knew all to well came over the receiver.  
"Thank god, I was beginning to think you were dead in a ditch or Trowa's lions had eaten you." her day was definitely brightening, "When do you think you'll be done?"  
"In about three weeks providing Une doesn't decide to pile and more papers on my desk." She laughed while he sat at his desk, "It isn't that funny." He only succeeded in making her laugh harder instead of calming her down. He didn't joke around much but when he did, for some strange reason she found it hysterical, "Good bye Relena, I'll see you later." And he hung up. She had stopped laughing shortly after he cut the connection and began to run a bath. Stepping into the warm water and bubbles she allowed their perfect long weekend to wash away. Oh well, she thought, there's always next weekend. Draining the tub she went to dress for at least a dinner out if Heero wasn't too tired.  
  
**Heero**  
  
He had gotten halfway through that blasted paperwork and was about ready to pump the rest full of lead when Relena walked in in her persian blue tude dress and matching strappy high heels that made her legs look longer and even more appealing to him.  
"What brings you to the death pen." He stated, opting for a death glare at the papers as if trying desperately to burn holes in it.  
"Getting you out of here. Stop glaring at that paper, it's not going to bite you." she replied receiving a similar, yet softer, death glare than the papers in response as she perched on the corner of his desk.  
"You have no idea how not funny that was princess." Duo told her as he entered the office. Heero shot his partner another glare before returning his attention back to Relena.  
"Uh, what are you implying Duo, it was a joke." She turned to him.  
Heero answered, "When the crocodiles were running loose in the zoo and we were called in to help-"  
"And our hero, Heero here got bit in the arm." Duo finished for his friend. Relena looked blankly at Duo for a second then turned her attention back to him and burst out laughing yet again.  
"It's not that funny." Was the only feeble attempt he was able to offer to save what was left of his perfect scratches and bruises record.  
"I'm sorry, I know it's not but, it's just really hard to picture you getting bit by a crocodile." She answered between laughs. If it were possible he glared even harder at the girl before him. "You know what would be really nice? A vacation. Just the two of us. Please Heero, you know we're both way overworked, and you never take a vacation. Please please please with sugar on top?"  
Heero looked at her pleading ocean eyes and caved. She had that effect on him. No matter what the situation or whatever she could always make him agree with her. Sighing in defeat he followed the bubbling teen out of the building and into the parking lot. 


End file.
